Finality

Yesterday was the final day of my marriage. While I can’t say I feel any different, and I thought for sure it would be an emotional day too… turned out to be just like any other day. Yes I mourn the loss of the family unit that was created, and feeling like a failure is unavoidable. I still know in my heart, the right decision was made.

It was a decision that came with much heartache, pain, and a ton of prayer. Sometimes I would cry out to God “why? why is this happening?” then I realize that all the choices I have made in my life up to this point had been choices I made without consulting my Creator. It was all becoming clear. I was here in this point in my life because of the lack of spiritual guidance that I should have been seeking all along.

That is not to say that I regret anything I have done, but rather regret not making my God a more central focus in my life. I am a strong person today as a direct result of the trials I have gone through. Nothing worth having is easy.

I struggled most with the decision to divorce (a decision that, in the end was a mutual one) because of the 4 young children we have. They are emotionally impacted either way… do I ask them to suffer through a miserable and unloving marriage of their parents? One that is riddled with resentment and total lack of trust? Do we teach them that by staying together, there is no possibility of trusting anyone in this world? Do I teach them that because of them, mommy and daddy become martyrs to their wellbeing? That is a ton of pressure that the children with feel the effects of later on down the road if they weren’t experiencing it now.

While it is noble to “stay together for the kids” parents that have a broken marriage (and I am not saying broken as in they just annoy each other and bicker, we are talking about serious lack of trust and love to the point that every day they wake up is a day they wished they didn’t) end up teaching their children that regardless of circumstances, they can do whatever they want in their marriages and as long as there are kids, never suffer the consequences of their actions, especially ones that are irreversible and damaging.

By the end of the day, it had been solemn, a day of reflection, not celebration. I think people who have the celebratory attitude are calloused and most likely the reason for the divorce anyways. I tried to handle it the best way I know how. I now rely on my Creator for all my needs and decisions.

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My first entry…

My attitude about living in the “south”

I decided to open up this blog anonymously under a pen name. The reason for this is to give me an outlet for my frustrations about my life without being a social periah, especially within the very small and tightly knit community that I am actually not really woven into for the simple fact that I was not born nor raised in it.

I love the south. Ever since I was a child I can remember viewing a map of the United States and being drawn to the south. There is so much history associated with it that I felt like in order to experience the richness of it, I needed to come and see it for myself. I am so glad I did as it captured my heart and I fell in love.

This is not a praise or reference to the people living here in the south. I have met people that were wonderful, but most of them have been scandalous, and malicious too. Those kind of people are everywhere and in about roughly the same concentration as here. There isn’t really anything special about the people here.

What I am in love with is the surroundings, they are a stark difference from where I grew up. My raising occured in the arid and lifeless Mojave desert in southern California. Here in the south, there is a change of season. There is still a sense of freedom within the green landscape, a sense of adventure in your backyard, but just enough civilization to still feel connected to the outside world.

I take issue with the inability of my “community” to embrace those that come in from the outside, it’s a close minded and hurtful attitude that projects to the rest of the nation that traditionalism is wobegone and unyielding.

Traditionalism is the original “culturalism.” Embracing our tradtitions doesn’t mean that we have to be judgemental and ostriscizing to people that don’t speak the same way as the local population, nor does it justify condescending treatment of those same people. If these outsiders were given a chance to be a part of that community, these close minded folks would see that they have much to offer and have a desire to be a part of a tightly knit community, but not to be like them of course, but to impart their talents to the betterment of all.

My last name isn’t everything, and while where I live it is everything, it really shouldn’t be. Why would you want the mistakes of your great grand parents to define you? Even their successes? They aren’t yours, you didn’t earn them so how can it prove anything to anyone? I understand pride in ones ancestory, but thinking that you are entitled to a great position in life simply because great-great granddaddy was the Vanderbilt, and you have the same last name is the same attitude that brought down France in fiery anarchial messes.

Your chances in life should be the same as the unknown Jones in town, so why do these people here embrace the constitution with such fervor, the same one that grants everyone equality, the same equality that is biblical as we are all equal recipients of the gift of redemption from Jesus Christ, and yet still rely on some remnant of the lord and serfdom way of life? Daddy knows someone that knows his uncle, so the job goes to his son.

Also, the obsession of working for material things just to pass on to your kids is just annoying. Not because its rediculous, but because it has done nothing but breed a generation of selfish brats that feel entitled to the fruits of their parents labors and should just be happy the world is being graced with their presence! What a grim outlook that gives our future. Make your kids work, earn a great living and then make that last and final check to the IRS bounce! You came into this world with nothing, and you should be content to leave it just the way you came into it, this earth isn’t yours to own for eternity, you are borrowing it for at least 80 years.

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Happy blogging!

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