Finality

Yesterday was the final day of my marriage. While I can’t say I feel any different, and I thought for sure it would be an emotional day too… turned out to be just like any other day. Yes I mourn the loss of the family unit that was created, and feeling like a failure is unavoidable. I still know in my heart, the right decision was made.

It was a decision that came with much heartache, pain, and a ton of prayer. Sometimes I would cry out to God “why? why is this happening?” then I realize that all the choices I have made in my life up to this point had been choices I made without consulting my Creator. It was all becoming clear. I was here in this point in my life because of the lack of spiritual guidance that I should have been seeking all along.

That is not to say that I regret anything I have done, but rather regret not making my God a more central focus in my life. I am a strong person today as a direct result of the trials I have gone through. Nothing worth having is easy.

I struggled most with the decision to divorce (a decision that, in the end was a mutual one) because of the 4 young children we have. They are emotionally impacted either way… do I ask them to suffer through a miserable and unloving marriage of their parents? One that is riddled with resentment and total lack of trust? Do we teach them that by staying together, there is no possibility of trusting anyone in this world? Do I teach them that because of them, mommy and daddy become martyrs to their wellbeing? That is a ton of pressure that the children with feel the effects of later on down the road if they weren’t experiencing it now.

While it is noble to “stay together for the kids” parents that have a broken marriage (and I am not saying broken as in they just annoy each other and bicker, we are talking about serious lack of trust and love to the point that every day they wake up is a day they wished they didn’t) end up teaching their children that regardless of circumstances, they can do whatever they want in their marriages and as long as there are kids, never suffer the consequences of their actions, especially ones that are irreversible and damaging.

By the end of the day, it had been solemn, a day of reflection, not celebration. I think people who have the celebratory attitude are calloused and most likely the reason for the divorce anyways. I tried to handle it the best way I know how. I now rely on my Creator for all my needs and decisions.

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About indyrora

I am a single mother transplanted to the southeast of the United States. It's not easy, and I need a place to vent my frustrations!
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